A Farewell to Arms

No one can say I didn't try. No one can look me in the eye and be disappointed. You can see it on my face, in my eyes, feel my heart. I am broken. In every sense of the word from this mess. It didn't have to be like this, it didn't have to be so hard and hurt for so long. But the other person didn't know how to stop. Didn't know how to go about it differently. And now, I am so numb, I have become cold and emotionless over the situation.

My therapist asked me. "Is it fair of you to force him to change who he is?" I sat in silence with tears running down my face. It's not fair. It's not. And as much as I would like to inflict emotional damage, I won't do it. I won't force a change that in the end, might not fix what is fundamentally wrong. Looking at this rationally, I understand that.

It doesn't excuse the pain he caused but it would make me a terrible person to make him suffer too. Why should I? I won't.

I love my children, the bond I have with them is unbreakable. And the unconditional love he has towards them is spellbindng. It's unfortunate that the love between a husband and a wife is conditional. We may not want to admit that, but it is.

They will grow from this and we will do everything we can to protect them from our pain, because we love them so much, maybe more than we love ourselves at times. They are little people with big feelings and that will always be accounted for. I assure you of that.

But looking in on a vision of myself, sad and alone, even when surrounded by stuff and bodies, the definition of alone if different when it's internal. I need to be happy and haven't been and probably have made him suffer because of that. And for that I am truly sorry. For seeming unhappy.

My love has not vanished. It may be cold and suppressed, but one day it will rear its beautiful head and fill me up with something wonderful.

Love,
Me.

Step by Step

During this process it has come to my attention that I am severely damaged. I have absorbed years of pain and emotional trauma meanwhile keeping my own stuff at the very bottom of my soul. I have crashed into the wall at 100 mph with no helmet on and am now trying to pick up the pieces. I have found that part of me can't. Is physically unable to help myself bring me to where I need to be to repair the relationship. What can I do? What's the next step?

Where do I go from here? Do I move on? Do I stay and wait for it to eventually happen again to me? Maybe this time it will take longer and it will go unnoticed for a much longer period of time. But am I willing to wait around for it? The inevitable.

I remember a time when I was super happy. When I was really comfortable with myself. Part of me isn't there anymore it's been sucked into a black hole. It's weird how life turns out. Like you never expected. Sometimes it's a real shocker and other times it's exactly what you wanted.

How do I get myself back to point of trying, trying to piece all this back together and make it happy again? Or is it too late.

Session One

I sat down with a counselor today. She was great. Kind, quiet, knowledgeable, all the things a counselor is supposed to be. She listened when I spoke, she smiled when my face was covered in tears and she looked at me with sincerity when there was silence in the room.

Maybe she will help me, help my marriage repair itself. And maybe she will help me to see we aren't the right fit for one another. I would be okay with either at this point.

I am on the fence. THE fence. I am teetering with the thought of jumping off and cutting my legs open to be free and healthy and happy. And I also find myself leaning towards the other side, the harder side with the longer road and the very dim light at the end of the tunnel. This is the path to repair. The path to hopefully bring us back to the point where there is so much love again that it immediately quashes all the anger and negativity. But is that road an open one? I am not sure anymore.

There is part of me that wants to run as fast as I can in the other direction. And another part of me wants to stay to fix it to be able to say I tried as hard as I could. But is the long and winding road worth subjecting myself to more pain? What if there is no happy ending? What if in the end we are so honest with ourselves that we discover we were never meant for one another. That it was a fluke that we got together, stayed together, went through all the motions.

I love him but is the anger and the rage and the pain too much?

A Blessing in Disguise

I have officially hit a wall with my spouse. The anger and rage he holds deep inside him that colors every action or conversation he has will not subside. I moved 2500 miles away to take him away from the pain and he still (after 5 years) can't let it go. My heart is breaking. If he could let it go he could see how much it hurts us, our children our entire family unit.

I asked him tonight, what if? What if I got a great paying job in DC? He said, "go with the kids and be happy, I am not coming."

My eyes re puffy from the overflow of tears. 9 years worth of tears and pent up frustration and sadness all pouring out in 10 hours. How can that be? How can I have been so sad for so long and have done nothing about it?

It's not about anyone else but him..there is no one else...there is just him with all of his pain and anger and my broken heart.

He doesn't even seem sad...it's weird...you know.

If I got a job offer, I would go. I would try to keep my little family happy. I would try to remember who I was when there wasn't so much anger and rage. And mostly I would try to love myself enough to keep it all together.

When Love Falls Short

Sometimes in life, love falls short. Either for the giver or the receiver. Just depends. Sometimes someone, somwhere, down the road, gets tired...exhausted...

What if you spent your entire relationship trying to fix past damage? And what would happen if you managed to fix most of it, but the parts that were left were too old and deep to help heal. I suppose we all need to be team players, especially in a relationship. And yes, sometimes one person has to give a little more. But what if the receiver is always taking? Or bleeds you dry?

It's not as dramatic as it sounds, it's just hard to heal your own wounds. Not impossible just more difficult than usual. It's hard to explain to the person too. Just what you're feeling and thinking. It's like they have an excuse in their head as to why you're upset but that's not really why you're upset. And just getting past that obstacle leaves you so tired that it seems pointless to go on.

I guess the point is to not let love fall short. But if someone can give a guide on getting past the first obstacle...that would be great!

More to come....

In Loving Memory of Mini Kitty Max The Kitty with the Extra Finger

He was like a mini dog...he behaved like one...he was sweet and loved by us all. Wednesday night, Max died, he was hit by a car. We think he was disoriented in the wind storm and somehow ended up in the street.

My heart is still in pieces. I am devastated. He was only 3 years old and he had a wonderful life with us.

My husband found him in the road and brought him to our front door so we could shower him with love one more time. He must have been scared and alone. He felt no love at the time of his death. He was alone and cold and it was windy.

I hope he knows that we loved him so much. I hope he knows that I am dying without him. He was the best kitty in the world. He kept us all company. He made us all laugh. I miss him. My heart is breaking again.

Oh Max.....I love you......

When You're Forgotten

Easily done right? It's easy to forget things? But your child's birthday? The date you were married? There is forgetfulness and there is stupidity. Why would you call your son and ask him for the name of a restaurant...so you could buy a gift certificate for your son's in laws? All the while forgetting to say "happy birthday son". Really? Isn't this bizarre?

Or how about this one. "Your sister is engaged. Her ring is bigger and brighter than yours. Just like her career....as a lawyer...." ARGH....

You see these types of comments make a sane person feel crazy. These kinds of ignorant statements enrage people.

And what's worse? When it comes from your immediate family members. Ummm....yes I said....immediate family members.

I am sure you can feel my excitement when I say as a general statement, "not a fan". It is my sincere hope that when my children are older I do not make such forgetful and careless comments. I don't want them to feel unloved and unwanted. I want them to know that no matter what I am not disappointed. I won't turn them against each other either. And I won't pretend to be someone or have something that I really don't...like money...

I am not married to a lawyer and my best friends don't want me to pretend I am...so I have no one to show off too...I am not here to pretend I am rich and live some out of whack lifestyle. I am normal. With normal possessions, not a closet full of Chanel or Louboutins...but normal stuff...and I like it that way....I am OK with that...and it's taken me a long time to be OK with that...but I am.....

So to the phony people, I say... "RELAX"...your behavior exhibits signs that you are a major ass clown. Cut that shit out.

Change is a Good Thing.....Right?

Changes happen all the time, sometime we notice and sometimes we don't. It can be a good change or a damning change--it affects people differently too. Some of us are resistant to change and others learn how to deal with transitions whether smooth or bumpy.

I found in the earlier stages of my life I as adverse to change, almost violently adverse. Now that I have children, a family, change is a constant. I have come to appreciate change more than I ever thought I would or could.

For instance, one rainy night my husband and I sat on our front porch in New York and decided if we didn't move out of that town ASAP we would never move. So in the rain, I ran out onto the front lawn with the FOR SALE sign and violently jammed it into the lawn.

In 30 days we were gone. 2500 miles away from everything we knew and it was a mighty change. We brought our son on our adventure which it made it even more crazy and fun! We made a significant life change by moving and we haven't had any regrets yet. Years ago I would have thought this move to be impossible. But we made it out here and love it. Then we had our daughter and our lives changed like you wouldn't believe. She was the complete antithesis of our son. She shook us to our cores. Our souls and sleep were nearly broken, forever. But then she changed and became this darling little girl who loves her pets and older brother and she became a dream.

Then of course there are things that never change. Like family. We do not have any contact with my husband's family. They have never seen our daughter and the last time they saw our son he was about 2 weeks old or a little older, but not by much. Sad isn't it. Maybe not. Because the other side of the coin is my husband's side. And to him it is not sad. It was a relief, a welcomed change in his life from their verbal abuse and downright ill feelings towards him.

So the act of change has multiple facets and to each of us a different definition even when in the same situation.

Homemade and Lovin It

I have recently become addicted to www.etsy.com where everything on the site is homemade. Homemade cards, favors, jewelry, baby stuff, floral pins, everything, oh did I mention leather ruffled purses? Good lord, this is fabulous. I am also guilty of suckering other innocent people into my addiction and find myself ecstatic over their purchases!!

Shouldn't everything be sweet and homemade? I have my eye on a set of darling coasters with the cutest owls you have ever seen. Not to mention that handmade booties for our daughter and the wall decals for our rooms!

It's hard these days in a world run by WalMart and Target to find something sweet and unique and downrght fantastic. There is nothing worse than seeing the same tablecloth or pillow in all of your friends' homes. Being different used to be a great thing and then WalMart came in and plowed over diversity.

I love etsy and I hope you will too. You can even request things from the sellers on there. I have and it's been great!!!!

A Box of Rocks

My apologies I have been on a blog hiatus!!! Work calls.....at all hours of the day and night. I recently turned 30. Ah!!! The big 3-0...some of my friends from back East flew in for the occasion, which was very nice and sweet of them. We had a great time too. And they got to see me in my element (OCD and all) with my home, the children and the husband, oh and the 2 cats and dog we all have in our abode. LOL. My other girlfriend threw me a lovely party. The food was delicious and the company was fantastic and the presents were so wonderful.

After they left I really missed everyone. But was so happy we had come together for this event and spend some quality time with each other. I cooked homemade meals for everyone and we played on the floor with the kids. I could not have asked for a better birthday celebration.

My husband also took it upon himself to procure a gorgeous 2+ carat diamond anniversary band too! It is too die for. It was in with a $.97 bag of white plastic cooking utensils inside of a diaper box with rocks and a shredded edition of the New York Times. I didn't see the black velvet box at first and my disappointment (I must admit) was astounding. But then I saw the box and was red in the face. LOL.

Is Santa a Stranger?

Last year our son was 3.5 years old. He was extremely uncomfortable with the thought of a stranger coming into our home and sneaking around eating our homemade cookies and leaving presents under the tree. Last year we tucked him in and minutes later he snuck out to double check that the doors were in fact bolted shut. He also slept with his door slightly ajar, something he never does. This year we were hoping that sentiment would be forgotten. That he would be so excited for Christmas and Santa that "locking him out" wouldn't be an option this year. WRONG. Once again he asked me to put the cookies and milk outside for this alleged "jolly old man". He told me Santa could just leave the presents outside and I could get up early and put them under the tree. Lucky Me!!!!!

We are hoping he does not turn into the older sibling who ruins Christmas for his younger sister by telling her it's all bogus. We are prepared.

Last year we also hid some wrapped presents in the oversized luggage we keep in our clothing closet. This year he asked my husband if there any presents in the luggage, "because last year Daddy there was". What? Is he serious? He remembers that? Why don't I remember anything from my childhood? And I have a toddler who remembers everything? Ugh.

So in a few more days Christmas will be upon us and our son will be running around checking the locks on the doors. I hope your holiday is filled with as much humor and very sweet moments like this!!!!

Does Being Selfish Ever End? Or is it a Lifelong Partnership?

For some people being selfish is a drug addiction. It happens again and again without them even knowing how selfish they are. Why do these people never self reflect? Why do they always find it to be other people's fault? These types of people are usually single, lonely, depressed, eccentric, psychotic etc...
I find extremely selfish people go two ways. Depressed or In your face all of the time. I know both kinds. And I find them to be equally annoying. The depressed ones have nothing nice to say. Their face is always scrunched up and they look disgusted all of the time. The hyper in your face kind is always one upping you. Their life is always so much better and exciting than yours. And heaven forbid these people every stop to smell the roses. Their social calendars are jam packed and you have to be penciled in months before to even see these people. Then worse once you do all they do is talk about their life and their travel and their money and blah blah blah.
And then every once in a while two of these people meet, fall in love and have children. NO GOOD. NIGHTMARE.
Those people are a detriment to society. They annoy normal people who get married and have kids for the right reasons.
So I guess it is a lifelong addiction where nothing gets in its way.

40, Married, Childless

So you say you love children and you want them and you're trying. But every time a mini adult gets within 2 feet of you, you turn your head and snub them as if they are a cold cup of coffee. What is that all about? You're 40 and recently married for a reason. You're a WEIRDO. There is no shame in saying you don't want kids at all, especially to couples with kids. We understand. We have moments where we wish we were in your shoes. But don't come around and pretend like you're all into kids when it's clear as day, you're not.

People without kids are awkward around children, even when they insist they are great around kids. There is still a way about them that is bizarre and in the least, uncomfortable. Often times these faux child friendly adults make the parents uncomfortable. A parent is the first one to notice when another childless adult is about to be completely put off. Friend of many years or not, we can see your discomfort and would rather you eat your sandwich in the other room away from the children.

Etiquette or Lack Thereof and Others Issues

With all of these weddings in place for 2010, I am finding myself more and more frustrated as time goes by. Where did everyone's etiquette disappear to? And why has it reappeared as half-assed etiquette that people are willing to tolerate? We should put our teacups down and excuse ourselves from these rude encounters and engagements. Why not? People feel free to reject so many other issues, why not reject poor etiquette?

How about grammar? How about it? Or punctuation for that matter. Why would an educated person send an email with the phrase, "your welcome" in it? Because secretly they are a moron? Or because they are fools? Or worse, because our education system is in the dumper, and no one pays attention to punctuation anymore? I am sorry. You went to school, you have your Juris Doctor or worse are a Medical Doctor and you can't tell the difference between your and you're? Come on people, slap these offenders, kick them, push them down in the street and scream.

What about always being late for social engagements? Not once in a while, but without fail, every single time. And not by 5-10 minutes but by 30-45 minutes. I ask you not to bother to come to the engagement then. Stay home. You're probably the same person that misuses punctuation or lacks social grace. If you can't bother to take the time to be on time, don't come at all. It's RUDE!!!!!!!