A Farewell to Arms

No one can say I didn't try. No one can look me in the eye and be disappointed. You can see it on my face, in my eyes, feel my heart. I am broken. In every sense of the word from this mess. It didn't have to be like this, it didn't have to be so hard and hurt for so long. But the other person didn't know how to stop. Didn't know how to go about it differently. And now, I am so numb, I have become cold and emotionless over the situation.

My therapist asked me. "Is it fair of you to force him to change who he is?" I sat in silence with tears running down my face. It's not fair. It's not. And as much as I would like to inflict emotional damage, I won't do it. I won't force a change that in the end, might not fix what is fundamentally wrong. Looking at this rationally, I understand that.

It doesn't excuse the pain he caused but it would make me a terrible person to make him suffer too. Why should I? I won't.

I love my children, the bond I have with them is unbreakable. And the unconditional love he has towards them is spellbindng. It's unfortunate that the love between a husband and a wife is conditional. We may not want to admit that, but it is.

They will grow from this and we will do everything we can to protect them from our pain, because we love them so much, maybe more than we love ourselves at times. They are little people with big feelings and that will always be accounted for. I assure you of that.

But looking in on a vision of myself, sad and alone, even when surrounded by stuff and bodies, the definition of alone if different when it's internal. I need to be happy and haven't been and probably have made him suffer because of that. And for that I am truly sorry. For seeming unhappy.

My love has not vanished. It may be cold and suppressed, but one day it will rear its beautiful head and fill me up with something wonderful.

Love,
Me.

Step by Step

During this process it has come to my attention that I am severely damaged. I have absorbed years of pain and emotional trauma meanwhile keeping my own stuff at the very bottom of my soul. I have crashed into the wall at 100 mph with no helmet on and am now trying to pick up the pieces. I have found that part of me can't. Is physically unable to help myself bring me to where I need to be to repair the relationship. What can I do? What's the next step?

Where do I go from here? Do I move on? Do I stay and wait for it to eventually happen again to me? Maybe this time it will take longer and it will go unnoticed for a much longer period of time. But am I willing to wait around for it? The inevitable.

I remember a time when I was super happy. When I was really comfortable with myself. Part of me isn't there anymore it's been sucked into a black hole. It's weird how life turns out. Like you never expected. Sometimes it's a real shocker and other times it's exactly what you wanted.

How do I get myself back to point of trying, trying to piece all this back together and make it happy again? Or is it too late.