Busy Busy Weekend...Laced with a Dash of Attitude...

During the week I was already tired. Dinner with some friends that were in from out of town and gathering the guys for dinner is always a task....but it worked out and our dinner was great. Great laughs and conversation and halfway decent food.

Friday night I chilled with the family. Saturday was busy. I went to the Co-op in the morning the get my fresh produce. I came home and ran around in the sprinkler with the minis and then got ready for a lunch with another out of town girlfriend. We met at a yummy place known for their Mushroom pan fry....but I had the chopped salad...delish...then went and returned a bunch of crap...ugh...I came home and finished dinner for our dinner company..another family with kids, like us....yay!

Then today was chill...ran errands in the morning and then more sprinkler fun..and a bit of a sunburn...hahahaha...

It's moments like these, as busy as they may be, that remind me that I wanted this life...the kids, the running around, the chaos etc...but what I didn't want was someone who was constantly stressed to take it out on me....someone was in a foul mood this weekend due to business stress and it somehow leaked out on me...and what would have been a perfect weekend but for his stress...

No need to beat around the bush friends....we all know who I am referring to....and it is a recurring theme....when business stresses him out I become the punching bag..no, not in literal terms....but I become an ever absorbing diaper for a grown man...frustrating huh?

It's funny cause it's moments like these when the ghetto part of me starts throbbing in the vein that lies in my neck...I can feel it pulsating....I remember being single, in the dating scene...some kid I'd be on a date with would say something stupid and I'd peace out...I'd literally get up from the table throw down some cash and peace the f*** out....

I know it sounds crazy but for real..I was a no bullshit girl and for the most part all these years later I still am...I have the ability to cut you off as if I have never known you...I can look you dead in the eye and be as cold as ice...don't get me wrong, there's a period before hand, albeit brief and emotionless, where I contemplate not cutting you off, but general the scale tips and it's a done deal...I put the cross on you...and it's over...

But then I have moments where I am overjoyed and filled with love...it's just that these moments are so rare they are uncomfortable for me...weird huh...I don't necessarily think this applies to anything related to my children, but for relationships it's different.

I saw in an earlier post that I mentioned that love between a husband and a wife was unfortunately conditional, I still stand by that statement. It is conditional and there are so many moving parts it is easy to get off track and find yourself in the middle of nowhere not recognizing a damn thing. But what do you do when the conditions seem more one sided...what should the compromise be? And side note...why the f*** doesn't therapy really help? LOL. I'm just throwing that out there....ha!

It's late...I'll finish this one at a later time....

G'night.....

How Stella Got Her Groove Back....Or Did She?

Ever see that movie? It's a classic woman flick...good for the soul and more importantly good for your heart. It has its typical Hollywood moments of drama and sadness wrapped in love and the power to overcome your fears. I have found it is mostly the fear of oneself that needs to be concquered. Life has hurdles, obstacles, challenges...all these things help shape us and make us individuals...but can they also damage us...even in the slightest way...I would argue that they do.

While we cross all of these alligator filled moats that make up the path of life we get a little damaged along the way. I doubt anyone wants to openly admit that. I doubt that someone who goes through an awful gut wrenching divorce now wants to turn and say to the public, "Yes, I am beyond fucked up, want to be friends?" My response, "Get your shit straight and then call me." I know, I am less kind in these sorts of situations. But in my own experience I found an alarmingly large amount of people turned their back on me in my darkest hour. Not only did they actually turn away...but they just assumed I would be fine.

I was bursting at the seams and found myself in a million pieces scattered across the universe. But to 'those people', I was doing just fine. I guess the even more bizarre part of this story is that those same people turned their back on my children. I mean sure, who cares about the man I walked away from, but to not call the kids and check up on them, now that is cold hearted.

I have to learn to let 'stuff' roll off of my back. And my older girlfriends are always telling me not to worry that as I age I will feel less strongly about my convictions...ummm ok.....it's not working and I'm definitely getting older.

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It was late at night and I had spent the 4th consecutive week on a friend's couch, with his girlfriend hovering over me and watching everything I did. It was clear she was unaware of the length of my stay, even though it had been discussed. They were in the bedroom and I decided to call my husband [yes, he was still my husband - even though I filed divorce papers prior to moving out of the State] and have a quick chat about the kids. The chat turned into a conversation which lead to a full on discussion about my return. It was easier than I had imagined, there was no fight. I heard this sad broken voice saying I could come back. [By the way, that sad voice was me.] That was it. Done deal. A week later I packed up and went back.

More to come......

Time Heals All Wounds....

It's been a long long time since I have written on here...I think I actually found this by mistake, LOL. But I suppose for me it's a good thing. Good to see and read and remember what was going on...how I was feeling...and most importantly how things have changed. I took steps to make my life better. They were unconventional and at times more difficult than words can describe. But it was good for me and maybe even better for my relationship with my husband and my children. Don't get me wrong, there was a hell of a transition period/grace period when I made the decision to come back, but it was healthy and good.

I'm in a healthier frame of mind and I feel better about my life and who I am. It took me a long time to feel ok about me....but I might have actually found some form of inner peace...if after what I've been through inner peace is a tangible item then I think I found a reasonable form of it.

I don't know where to start. I guess my next few blogs will be random and scatterbrained but I will slowly piece the puzzle together for you. Maybe it will repulse you and maybe it will humble you into understanding that life isn't roses and perfume...sometimes it's an overflowing trash bag of shit that, at any momemt, could explode on your new cream colored Chanel suit....;)

Fora while just when I thought things couldn't get worse, they did. Over and over again. I went from being 100 steps forward to being in such a deficit, such a deep hole in my life, that my nails were bloody from me trying desperately to escape it all. I was tired and I felt alone and my heart was breaking into a million pieces at an alarmingly slow pace.

Sometimes I think we are all prone to depression, some of us more than others, for sure. But the fear of the sterotypes and the stigmas that are attached to 'depression' could probably sink a low person into an even lower realm of fear and despair.

I think I hit that point when I decided to leave. I decided to walk away. Let's not bluff either. I had no intention of coming back. None. I was through. I had mentally broken away and I was physically detached. I was going to walk away and never look back...at him....at the failed relationship....

But when you're in a relationship it takes two to succeed, two to fail and only one of you needs to take the high road and be forgiving and kind....I made a conscience decision to sweep the high road under the carpet...for a million reasons that were floating in my head..and not all of them realistic or good....just bare boned ideas...I gave them life which resulted in them having some sort of meaning for me....and as minuscule as the meaning could be, at times it was enough for me to think I would be ok to just walk away...

But I suppose when you build a life with someone from the ground up you can never walk away...completely...there would always be a part of you that would remain with that relationship...it was the air you breathed for almost a decade...it would never disappear into thin air, that's for sure.....

I'll leave you with this thought.....if you had spent all those years building a life and a home that you always wanted why all of a sudden was it worth walking away from....