No one can say I didn't try. No one can look me in the eye and be disappointed. You can see it on my face, in my eyes, feel my heart. I am broken. In every sense of the word from this mess. It didn't have to be like this, it didn't have to be so hard and hurt for so long. But the other person didn't know how to stop. Didn't know how to go about it differently. And now, I am so numb, I have become cold and emotionless over the situation.
My therapist asked me. "Is it fair of you to force him to change who he is?" I sat in silence with tears running down my face. It's not fair. It's not. And as much as I would like to inflict emotional damage, I won't do it. I won't force a change that in the end, might not fix what is fundamentally wrong. Looking at this rationally, I understand that.
It doesn't excuse the pain he caused but it would make me a terrible person to make him suffer too. Why should I? I won't.
I love my children, the bond I have with them is unbreakable. And the unconditional love he has towards them is spellbindng. It's unfortunate that the love between a husband and a wife is conditional. We may not want to admit that, but it is.
They will grow from this and we will do everything we can to protect them from our pain, because we love them so much, maybe more than we love ourselves at times. They are little people with big feelings and that will always be accounted for. I assure you of that.
But looking in on a vision of myself, sad and alone, even when surrounded by stuff and bodies, the definition of alone if different when it's internal. I need to be happy and haven't been and probably have made him suffer because of that. And for that I am truly sorry. For seeming unhappy.
My love has not vanished. It may be cold and suppressed, but one day it will rear its beautiful head and fill me up with something wonderful.
Love,
Me.
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