The Long Haul

These days I seem to be surrounded by failing marriages. And when I say fail I mean fail....bomb the bridge and burn the canyon, flush it down the toilet, take it to the curb. All out war. Let's not be naive readers, you were there for me during my time of duress and I am not one to throw stones. But, I didn't go out with a bang. In fact I slid away like a snake in the Amazon....no bold shout outs, no physical assaulting of another human being, no phone calls or text messages or emails laced with hate and rage. A quiet goodbye while waving in the pitch black, praying to God no one sees me or hears me.

I didn't slip away that quietly. Some knew. Few knew the details, but some knew I was leaving. Unsure as to why our June Cleaver like marriage was suddenly down trodden and in the dust.....the judgments that came afterwards were, to say the least, shocking. I was accused of being a bad mother, a horrible wife and a selfish woman. But the details remained under lock and key.

So with that said why does it have to be a hot air balloon fest when it comes to Splitsville? And the stuff that comes out is unreal. It's like an 80s Soap Opera gone horribly wrong.

And may I ask, what the hell is am emotional affair? This is apparently something women do when they're unhappy. Ummm....ok....maybe it's me because I'm not super emotional but holy crapper an emotional affair, really?

To me I'm not sure what's worse, an emotional affair or a regular physical one. I mean to me the physical one can just be cut off. Thanks for the sex, have a nice life, get the f*** out of my bed, don't ever call me again. As opposed to deep thoughts of an unrealistic life that those two people might spend together....hmmm...let me think about it...I'll take the emotionless hot sex over the exhausting emotional affair any time.

Or how about recently one of the women I attended high school announced on Facebook that her husband was a cheating pig. Nice move...is this a chess game? Should something so sad and disastrous be displayed on Facebook? I am not sure what is more sad, her comment or the flurry of comments to follow. Ugh.

Honestly, if you're going to publicly humiliate him why not just kick him in the groin with steel toe boots. Equal damage in my eyes. Not to mention the pain inside. It would cause me physical pain to type out those words and hit the 'share' button.

Everyone needs peace in their life and we all deal with getting it in different ways. But I use the word peace as a double edged sword. Peace ought to come in a peaceful way....right?

Make it a Double....

Bonjour fellow readers and friends....Back to running and lifting weights....Why is that we have to work so hard....work, play, raise children, be a taxi service for our children, provide endless amounts of support to those around us, make homemade delicious food...etc etc....

I found myself, most recently, pouring myself a drink...in broad daylight....and I thought to myself I never drink, why not make it a double, between the rubbernecking this morning on the highway, the annoying lunch, and idiotic red tape that makes up administration at a law firm, I deserved a double.....LOL

But where were your children? All those good mothers would ask me.....down the street playing with their friends....so there I was in the middle of the kitchen sucking down a double vodka on the rocks with a lemon, yellow rubber gloves on and standing next to a bucket filled with hot water and bleach. Ha!

It's hot here now...triple digits...so drinking is a must....I mean water...not vodka...but the occasional frigid double sure makes a hard day worthwhile.

Have a lovely evening.....Cheers!

Busy Busy Weekend...Laced with a Dash of Attitude...

During the week I was already tired. Dinner with some friends that were in from out of town and gathering the guys for dinner is always a task....but it worked out and our dinner was great. Great laughs and conversation and halfway decent food.

Friday night I chilled with the family. Saturday was busy. I went to the Co-op in the morning the get my fresh produce. I came home and ran around in the sprinkler with the minis and then got ready for a lunch with another out of town girlfriend. We met at a yummy place known for their Mushroom pan fry....but I had the chopped salad...delish...then went and returned a bunch of crap...ugh...I came home and finished dinner for our dinner company..another family with kids, like us....yay!

Then today was chill...ran errands in the morning and then more sprinkler fun..and a bit of a sunburn...hahahaha...

It's moments like these, as busy as they may be, that remind me that I wanted this life...the kids, the running around, the chaos etc...but what I didn't want was someone who was constantly stressed to take it out on me....someone was in a foul mood this weekend due to business stress and it somehow leaked out on me...and what would have been a perfect weekend but for his stress...

No need to beat around the bush friends....we all know who I am referring to....and it is a recurring theme....when business stresses him out I become the punching bag..no, not in literal terms....but I become an ever absorbing diaper for a grown man...frustrating huh?

It's funny cause it's moments like these when the ghetto part of me starts throbbing in the vein that lies in my neck...I can feel it pulsating....I remember being single, in the dating scene...some kid I'd be on a date with would say something stupid and I'd peace out...I'd literally get up from the table throw down some cash and peace the f*** out....

I know it sounds crazy but for real..I was a no bullshit girl and for the most part all these years later I still am...I have the ability to cut you off as if I have never known you...I can look you dead in the eye and be as cold as ice...don't get me wrong, there's a period before hand, albeit brief and emotionless, where I contemplate not cutting you off, but general the scale tips and it's a done deal...I put the cross on you...and it's over...

But then I have moments where I am overjoyed and filled with love...it's just that these moments are so rare they are uncomfortable for me...weird huh...I don't necessarily think this applies to anything related to my children, but for relationships it's different.

I saw in an earlier post that I mentioned that love between a husband and a wife was unfortunately conditional, I still stand by that statement. It is conditional and there are so many moving parts it is easy to get off track and find yourself in the middle of nowhere not recognizing a damn thing. But what do you do when the conditions seem more one sided...what should the compromise be? And side note...why the f*** doesn't therapy really help? LOL. I'm just throwing that out there....ha!

It's late...I'll finish this one at a later time....

G'night.....

How Stella Got Her Groove Back....Or Did She?

Ever see that movie? It's a classic woman flick...good for the soul and more importantly good for your heart. It has its typical Hollywood moments of drama and sadness wrapped in love and the power to overcome your fears. I have found it is mostly the fear of oneself that needs to be concquered. Life has hurdles, obstacles, challenges...all these things help shape us and make us individuals...but can they also damage us...even in the slightest way...I would argue that they do.

While we cross all of these alligator filled moats that make up the path of life we get a little damaged along the way. I doubt anyone wants to openly admit that. I doubt that someone who goes through an awful gut wrenching divorce now wants to turn and say to the public, "Yes, I am beyond fucked up, want to be friends?" My response, "Get your shit straight and then call me." I know, I am less kind in these sorts of situations. But in my own experience I found an alarmingly large amount of people turned their back on me in my darkest hour. Not only did they actually turn away...but they just assumed I would be fine.

I was bursting at the seams and found myself in a million pieces scattered across the universe. But to 'those people', I was doing just fine. I guess the even more bizarre part of this story is that those same people turned their back on my children. I mean sure, who cares about the man I walked away from, but to not call the kids and check up on them, now that is cold hearted.

I have to learn to let 'stuff' roll off of my back. And my older girlfriends are always telling me not to worry that as I age I will feel less strongly about my convictions...ummm ok.....it's not working and I'm definitely getting older.

***********

It was late at night and I had spent the 4th consecutive week on a friend's couch, with his girlfriend hovering over me and watching everything I did. It was clear she was unaware of the length of my stay, even though it had been discussed. They were in the bedroom and I decided to call my husband [yes, he was still my husband - even though I filed divorce papers prior to moving out of the State] and have a quick chat about the kids. The chat turned into a conversation which lead to a full on discussion about my return. It was easier than I had imagined, there was no fight. I heard this sad broken voice saying I could come back. [By the way, that sad voice was me.] That was it. Done deal. A week later I packed up and went back.

More to come......

Time Heals All Wounds....

It's been a long long time since I have written on here...I think I actually found this by mistake, LOL. But I suppose for me it's a good thing. Good to see and read and remember what was going on...how I was feeling...and most importantly how things have changed. I took steps to make my life better. They were unconventional and at times more difficult than words can describe. But it was good for me and maybe even better for my relationship with my husband and my children. Don't get me wrong, there was a hell of a transition period/grace period when I made the decision to come back, but it was healthy and good.

I'm in a healthier frame of mind and I feel better about my life and who I am. It took me a long time to feel ok about me....but I might have actually found some form of inner peace...if after what I've been through inner peace is a tangible item then I think I found a reasonable form of it.

I don't know where to start. I guess my next few blogs will be random and scatterbrained but I will slowly piece the puzzle together for you. Maybe it will repulse you and maybe it will humble you into understanding that life isn't roses and perfume...sometimes it's an overflowing trash bag of shit that, at any momemt, could explode on your new cream colored Chanel suit....;)

Fora while just when I thought things couldn't get worse, they did. Over and over again. I went from being 100 steps forward to being in such a deficit, such a deep hole in my life, that my nails were bloody from me trying desperately to escape it all. I was tired and I felt alone and my heart was breaking into a million pieces at an alarmingly slow pace.

Sometimes I think we are all prone to depression, some of us more than others, for sure. But the fear of the sterotypes and the stigmas that are attached to 'depression' could probably sink a low person into an even lower realm of fear and despair.

I think I hit that point when I decided to leave. I decided to walk away. Let's not bluff either. I had no intention of coming back. None. I was through. I had mentally broken away and I was physically detached. I was going to walk away and never look back...at him....at the failed relationship....

But when you're in a relationship it takes two to succeed, two to fail and only one of you needs to take the high road and be forgiving and kind....I made a conscience decision to sweep the high road under the carpet...for a million reasons that were floating in my head..and not all of them realistic or good....just bare boned ideas...I gave them life which resulted in them having some sort of meaning for me....and as minuscule as the meaning could be, at times it was enough for me to think I would be ok to just walk away...

But I suppose when you build a life with someone from the ground up you can never walk away...completely...there would always be a part of you that would remain with that relationship...it was the air you breathed for almost a decade...it would never disappear into thin air, that's for sure.....

I'll leave you with this thought.....if you had spent all those years building a life and a home that you always wanted why all of a sudden was it worth walking away from....

A Farewell to Arms

No one can say I didn't try. No one can look me in the eye and be disappointed. You can see it on my face, in my eyes, feel my heart. I am broken. In every sense of the word from this mess. It didn't have to be like this, it didn't have to be so hard and hurt for so long. But the other person didn't know how to stop. Didn't know how to go about it differently. And now, I am so numb, I have become cold and emotionless over the situation.

My therapist asked me. "Is it fair of you to force him to change who he is?" I sat in silence with tears running down my face. It's not fair. It's not. And as much as I would like to inflict emotional damage, I won't do it. I won't force a change that in the end, might not fix what is fundamentally wrong. Looking at this rationally, I understand that.

It doesn't excuse the pain he caused but it would make me a terrible person to make him suffer too. Why should I? I won't.

I love my children, the bond I have with them is unbreakable. And the unconditional love he has towards them is spellbindng. It's unfortunate that the love between a husband and a wife is conditional. We may not want to admit that, but it is.

They will grow from this and we will do everything we can to protect them from our pain, because we love them so much, maybe more than we love ourselves at times. They are little people with big feelings and that will always be accounted for. I assure you of that.

But looking in on a vision of myself, sad and alone, even when surrounded by stuff and bodies, the definition of alone if different when it's internal. I need to be happy and haven't been and probably have made him suffer because of that. And for that I am truly sorry. For seeming unhappy.

My love has not vanished. It may be cold and suppressed, but one day it will rear its beautiful head and fill me up with something wonderful.

Love,
Me.

Step by Step

During this process it has come to my attention that I am severely damaged. I have absorbed years of pain and emotional trauma meanwhile keeping my own stuff at the very bottom of my soul. I have crashed into the wall at 100 mph with no helmet on and am now trying to pick up the pieces. I have found that part of me can't. Is physically unable to help myself bring me to where I need to be to repair the relationship. What can I do? What's the next step?

Where do I go from here? Do I move on? Do I stay and wait for it to eventually happen again to me? Maybe this time it will take longer and it will go unnoticed for a much longer period of time. But am I willing to wait around for it? The inevitable.

I remember a time when I was super happy. When I was really comfortable with myself. Part of me isn't there anymore it's been sucked into a black hole. It's weird how life turns out. Like you never expected. Sometimes it's a real shocker and other times it's exactly what you wanted.

How do I get myself back to point of trying, trying to piece all this back together and make it happy again? Or is it too late.

Session One

I sat down with a counselor today. She was great. Kind, quiet, knowledgeable, all the things a counselor is supposed to be. She listened when I spoke, she smiled when my face was covered in tears and she looked at me with sincerity when there was silence in the room.

Maybe she will help me, help my marriage repair itself. And maybe she will help me to see we aren't the right fit for one another. I would be okay with either at this point.

I am on the fence. THE fence. I am teetering with the thought of jumping off and cutting my legs open to be free and healthy and happy. And I also find myself leaning towards the other side, the harder side with the longer road and the very dim light at the end of the tunnel. This is the path to repair. The path to hopefully bring us back to the point where there is so much love again that it immediately quashes all the anger and negativity. But is that road an open one? I am not sure anymore.

There is part of me that wants to run as fast as I can in the other direction. And another part of me wants to stay to fix it to be able to say I tried as hard as I could. But is the long and winding road worth subjecting myself to more pain? What if there is no happy ending? What if in the end we are so honest with ourselves that we discover we were never meant for one another. That it was a fluke that we got together, stayed together, went through all the motions.

I love him but is the anger and the rage and the pain too much?

A Blessing in Disguise

I have officially hit a wall with my spouse. The anger and rage he holds deep inside him that colors every action or conversation he has will not subside. I moved 2500 miles away to take him away from the pain and he still (after 5 years) can't let it go. My heart is breaking. If he could let it go he could see how much it hurts us, our children our entire family unit.

I asked him tonight, what if? What if I got a great paying job in DC? He said, "go with the kids and be happy, I am not coming."

My eyes re puffy from the overflow of tears. 9 years worth of tears and pent up frustration and sadness all pouring out in 10 hours. How can that be? How can I have been so sad for so long and have done nothing about it?

It's not about anyone else but him..there is no one else...there is just him with all of his pain and anger and my broken heart.

He doesn't even seem sad...it's weird...you know.

If I got a job offer, I would go. I would try to keep my little family happy. I would try to remember who I was when there wasn't so much anger and rage. And mostly I would try to love myself enough to keep it all together.

When Love Falls Short

Sometimes in life, love falls short. Either for the giver or the receiver. Just depends. Sometimes someone, somwhere, down the road, gets tired...exhausted...

What if you spent your entire relationship trying to fix past damage? And what would happen if you managed to fix most of it, but the parts that were left were too old and deep to help heal. I suppose we all need to be team players, especially in a relationship. And yes, sometimes one person has to give a little more. But what if the receiver is always taking? Or bleeds you dry?

It's not as dramatic as it sounds, it's just hard to heal your own wounds. Not impossible just more difficult than usual. It's hard to explain to the person too. Just what you're feeling and thinking. It's like they have an excuse in their head as to why you're upset but that's not really why you're upset. And just getting past that obstacle leaves you so tired that it seems pointless to go on.

I guess the point is to not let love fall short. But if someone can give a guide on getting past the first obstacle...that would be great!

More to come....

In Loving Memory of Mini Kitty Max The Kitty with the Extra Finger

He was like a mini dog...he behaved like one...he was sweet and loved by us all. Wednesday night, Max died, he was hit by a car. We think he was disoriented in the wind storm and somehow ended up in the street.

My heart is still in pieces. I am devastated. He was only 3 years old and he had a wonderful life with us.

My husband found him in the road and brought him to our front door so we could shower him with love one more time. He must have been scared and alone. He felt no love at the time of his death. He was alone and cold and it was windy.

I hope he knows that we loved him so much. I hope he knows that I am dying without him. He was the best kitty in the world. He kept us all company. He made us all laugh. I miss him. My heart is breaking again.

Oh Max.....I love you......

When You're Forgotten

Easily done right? It's easy to forget things? But your child's birthday? The date you were married? There is forgetfulness and there is stupidity. Why would you call your son and ask him for the name of a restaurant...so you could buy a gift certificate for your son's in laws? All the while forgetting to say "happy birthday son". Really? Isn't this bizarre?

Or how about this one. "Your sister is engaged. Her ring is bigger and brighter than yours. Just like her career....as a lawyer...." ARGH....

You see these types of comments make a sane person feel crazy. These kinds of ignorant statements enrage people.

And what's worse? When it comes from your immediate family members. Ummm....yes I said....immediate family members.

I am sure you can feel my excitement when I say as a general statement, "not a fan". It is my sincere hope that when my children are older I do not make such forgetful and careless comments. I don't want them to feel unloved and unwanted. I want them to know that no matter what I am not disappointed. I won't turn them against each other either. And I won't pretend to be someone or have something that I really don't...like money...

I am not married to a lawyer and my best friends don't want me to pretend I am...so I have no one to show off too...I am not here to pretend I am rich and live some out of whack lifestyle. I am normal. With normal possessions, not a closet full of Chanel or Louboutins...but normal stuff...and I like it that way....I am OK with that...and it's taken me a long time to be OK with that...but I am.....

So to the phony people, I say... "RELAX"...your behavior exhibits signs that you are a major ass clown. Cut that shit out.

Change is a Good Thing.....Right?

Changes happen all the time, sometime we notice and sometimes we don't. It can be a good change or a damning change--it affects people differently too. Some of us are resistant to change and others learn how to deal with transitions whether smooth or bumpy.

I found in the earlier stages of my life I as adverse to change, almost violently adverse. Now that I have children, a family, change is a constant. I have come to appreciate change more than I ever thought I would or could.

For instance, one rainy night my husband and I sat on our front porch in New York and decided if we didn't move out of that town ASAP we would never move. So in the rain, I ran out onto the front lawn with the FOR SALE sign and violently jammed it into the lawn.

In 30 days we were gone. 2500 miles away from everything we knew and it was a mighty change. We brought our son on our adventure which it made it even more crazy and fun! We made a significant life change by moving and we haven't had any regrets yet. Years ago I would have thought this move to be impossible. But we made it out here and love it. Then we had our daughter and our lives changed like you wouldn't believe. She was the complete antithesis of our son. She shook us to our cores. Our souls and sleep were nearly broken, forever. But then she changed and became this darling little girl who loves her pets and older brother and she became a dream.

Then of course there are things that never change. Like family. We do not have any contact with my husband's family. They have never seen our daughter and the last time they saw our son he was about 2 weeks old or a little older, but not by much. Sad isn't it. Maybe not. Because the other side of the coin is my husband's side. And to him it is not sad. It was a relief, a welcomed change in his life from their verbal abuse and downright ill feelings towards him.

So the act of change has multiple facets and to each of us a different definition even when in the same situation.

Homemade and Lovin It

I have recently become addicted to www.etsy.com where everything on the site is homemade. Homemade cards, favors, jewelry, baby stuff, floral pins, everything, oh did I mention leather ruffled purses? Good lord, this is fabulous. I am also guilty of suckering other innocent people into my addiction and find myself ecstatic over their purchases!!

Shouldn't everything be sweet and homemade? I have my eye on a set of darling coasters with the cutest owls you have ever seen. Not to mention that handmade booties for our daughter and the wall decals for our rooms!

It's hard these days in a world run by WalMart and Target to find something sweet and unique and downrght fantastic. There is nothing worse than seeing the same tablecloth or pillow in all of your friends' homes. Being different used to be a great thing and then WalMart came in and plowed over diversity.

I love etsy and I hope you will too. You can even request things from the sellers on there. I have and it's been great!!!!