I sat down with a counselor today. She was great. Kind, quiet, knowledgeable, all the things a counselor is supposed to be. She listened when I spoke, she smiled when my face was covered in tears and she looked at me with sincerity when there was silence in the room.
Maybe she will help me, help my marriage repair itself. And maybe she will help me to see we aren't the right fit for one another. I would be okay with either at this point.
I am on the fence. THE fence. I am teetering with the thought of jumping off and cutting my legs open to be free and healthy and happy. And I also find myself leaning towards the other side, the harder side with the longer road and the very dim light at the end of the tunnel. This is the path to repair. The path to hopefully bring us back to the point where there is so much love again that it immediately quashes all the anger and negativity. But is that road an open one? I am not sure anymore.
There is part of me that wants to run as fast as I can in the other direction. And another part of me wants to stay to fix it to be able to say I tried as hard as I could. But is the long and winding road worth subjecting myself to more pain? What if there is no happy ending? What if in the end we are so honest with ourselves that we discover we were never meant for one another. That it was a fluke that we got together, stayed together, went through all the motions.
I love him but is the anger and the rage and the pain too much?
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Monday, May 17, 2010
A Blessing in Disguise
I have officially hit a wall with my spouse. The anger and rage he holds deep inside him that colors every action or conversation he has will not subside. I moved 2500 miles away to take him away from the pain and he still (after 5 years) can't let it go. My heart is breaking. If he could let it go he could see how much it hurts us, our children our entire family unit.
I asked him tonight, what if? What if I got a great paying job in DC? He said, "go with the kids and be happy, I am not coming."
My eyes re puffy from the overflow of tears. 9 years worth of tears and pent up frustration and sadness all pouring out in 10 hours. How can that be? How can I have been so sad for so long and have done nothing about it?
It's not about anyone else but him..there is no one else...there is just him with all of his pain and anger and my broken heart.
He doesn't even seem sad...it's weird...you know.
If I got a job offer, I would go. I would try to keep my little family happy. I would try to remember who I was when there wasn't so much anger and rage. And mostly I would try to love myself enough to keep it all together.
I asked him tonight, what if? What if I got a great paying job in DC? He said, "go with the kids and be happy, I am not coming."
My eyes re puffy from the overflow of tears. 9 years worth of tears and pent up frustration and sadness all pouring out in 10 hours. How can that be? How can I have been so sad for so long and have done nothing about it?
It's not about anyone else but him..there is no one else...there is just him with all of his pain and anger and my broken heart.
He doesn't even seem sad...it's weird...you know.
If I got a job offer, I would go. I would try to keep my little family happy. I would try to remember who I was when there wasn't so much anger and rage. And mostly I would try to love myself enough to keep it all together.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
When Love Falls Short
Sometimes in life, love falls short. Either for the giver or the receiver. Just depends. Sometimes someone, somwhere, down the road, gets tired...exhausted...
What if you spent your entire relationship trying to fix past damage? And what would happen if you managed to fix most of it, but the parts that were left were too old and deep to help heal. I suppose we all need to be team players, especially in a relationship. And yes, sometimes one person has to give a little more. But what if the receiver is always taking? Or bleeds you dry?
It's not as dramatic as it sounds, it's just hard to heal your own wounds. Not impossible just more difficult than usual. It's hard to explain to the person too. Just what you're feeling and thinking. It's like they have an excuse in their head as to why you're upset but that's not really why you're upset. And just getting past that obstacle leaves you so tired that it seems pointless to go on.
I guess the point is to not let love fall short. But if someone can give a guide on getting past the first obstacle...that would be great!
More to come....
What if you spent your entire relationship trying to fix past damage? And what would happen if you managed to fix most of it, but the parts that were left were too old and deep to help heal. I suppose we all need to be team players, especially in a relationship. And yes, sometimes one person has to give a little more. But what if the receiver is always taking? Or bleeds you dry?
It's not as dramatic as it sounds, it's just hard to heal your own wounds. Not impossible just more difficult than usual. It's hard to explain to the person too. Just what you're feeling and thinking. It's like they have an excuse in their head as to why you're upset but that's not really why you're upset. And just getting past that obstacle leaves you so tired that it seems pointless to go on.
I guess the point is to not let love fall short. But if someone can give a guide on getting past the first obstacle...that would be great!
More to come....
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