I sat down with a counselor today. She was great. Kind, quiet, knowledgeable, all the things a counselor is supposed to be. She listened when I spoke, she smiled when my face was covered in tears and she looked at me with sincerity when there was silence in the room.
Maybe she will help me, help my marriage repair itself. And maybe she will help me to see we aren't the right fit for one another. I would be okay with either at this point.
I am on the fence. THE fence. I am teetering with the thought of jumping off and cutting my legs open to be free and healthy and happy. And I also find myself leaning towards the other side, the harder side with the longer road and the very dim light at the end of the tunnel. This is the path to repair. The path to hopefully bring us back to the point where there is so much love again that it immediately quashes all the anger and negativity. But is that road an open one? I am not sure anymore.
There is part of me that wants to run as fast as I can in the other direction. And another part of me wants to stay to fix it to be able to say I tried as hard as I could. But is the long and winding road worth subjecting myself to more pain? What if there is no happy ending? What if in the end we are so honest with ourselves that we discover we were never meant for one another. That it was a fluke that we got together, stayed together, went through all the motions.
I love him but is the anger and the rage and the pain too much?
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