It's been a long long time since I have written on here...I think I actually found this by mistake, LOL. But I suppose for me it's a good thing. Good to see and read and remember what was going on...how I was feeling...and most importantly how things have changed. I took steps to make my life better. They were unconventional and at times more difficult than words can describe. But it was good for me and maybe even better for my relationship with my husband and my children. Don't get me wrong, there was a hell of a transition period/grace period when I made the decision to come back, but it was healthy and good.
I'm in a healthier frame of mind and I feel better about my life and who I am. It took me a long time to feel ok about me....but I might have actually found some form of inner peace...if after what I've been through inner peace is a tangible item then I think I found a reasonable form of it.
I don't know where to start. I guess my next few blogs will be random and scatterbrained but I will slowly piece the puzzle together for you. Maybe it will repulse you and maybe it will humble you into understanding that life isn't roses and perfume...sometimes it's an overflowing trash bag of shit that, at any momemt, could explode on your new cream colored Chanel suit....;)
Fora while just when I thought things couldn't get worse, they did. Over and over again. I went from being 100 steps forward to being in such a deficit, such a deep hole in my life, that my nails were bloody from me trying desperately to escape it all. I was tired and I felt alone and my heart was breaking into a million pieces at an alarmingly slow pace.
Sometimes I think we are all prone to depression, some of us more than others, for sure. But the fear of the sterotypes and the stigmas that are attached to 'depression' could probably sink a low person into an even lower realm of fear and despair.
I think I hit that point when I decided to leave. I decided to walk away. Let's not bluff either. I had no intention of coming back. None. I was through. I had mentally broken away and I was physically detached. I was going to walk away and never look back...at him....at the failed relationship....
But when you're in a relationship it takes two to succeed, two to fail and only one of you needs to take the high road and be forgiving and kind....I made a conscience decision to sweep the high road under the carpet...for a million reasons that were floating in my head..and not all of them realistic or good....just bare boned ideas...I gave them life which resulted in them having some sort of meaning for me....and as minuscule as the meaning could be, at times it was enough for me to think I would be ok to just walk away...
But I suppose when you build a life with someone from the ground up you can never walk away...completely...there would always be a part of you that would remain with that relationship...it was the air you breathed for almost a decade...it would never disappear into thin air, that's for sure.....
I'll leave you with this thought.....if you had spent all those years building a life and a home that you always wanted why all of a sudden was it worth walking away from....
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